I thanked a young man for holding the door to the men’s room open for me. "You know it’s a courteous thing to do?"

"That’s why I did it," he said.

"But it would even be better if you hold the door open for a pretty young lady."

"What would a girl be doing going into the men’s room?"

"Why ask questions, just take make the most of the opportunity. Besides nowadays women insist on going wherever men can go. They even go to strip clubs."

I added, "may I give you some advice. If she’s pretty and you enjoy her company, don’t concentrate on what she says. Just say "yes" until you here the word ‘divorce.’ Then stop and listen carefully."

My car looked like it had been parked for a week in Baghdad. I took it to the car wash. I said to the owner "you’re supporting our effort in Iraq, aren’t you?"

"Of course," he answered.

"Then I get the 30% discount."

"For what?"

"Look at the caked sand and dust on the car. It just got back from being used to ferry injured soldiers to field hospitals."

"All right, it hasn’t. But I bought from a used car dealer who looted it from a Baghdad Toyota dealer."

I went for hospital tests. Coming down on the elevator were a doctor and his nurse. He hesitated when the elevator stopped and stepped back.

"Boy are you lucky none of your patients are on this elevator. If you’re unsure of yourself in an elevator how confident will a patient be under your knife?"

His nurse answered "That’s why I accompany him."

To make him feel better, I added "I’m sure you’re a great surgeon. After all, you could be an idiot savant."

Fortunately, the elevator reached the lobby before I saw his reaction.

I had been to see my doctor. Next week I have to have a test that I dread.

"Doctor, I’m a coward. It’s not pain that bothers me. It’s the thought of that metal device worming up into my body. I think at the last minute I’ll hop a train to Chicago."

Without batting a eyelash, he came back with "do you know how long that tube is?"

As soon as I said that I thought of the very same answer.

"Doc, I have pretensions to be a stand-up comic. Maybe you ought to think about a new career too."

I went to Costco, the warehouse supermarket. The lines were extra long. I said the woman ahead of me, "wouldn’t it be nice if they had at least one line for the impatient?" Just then a cashier opened one.

I told the director of the hospital’s wellness program if she didn’t try to keep me healthy I’d promise not to drive the doctors nuts by staying out of their way. I’m a bachelor and she actually has no doubt she will get me to live an orderly life, including three proper meals a day. And scientists say they don’t believe in miracles.

Renee Cox screamed in exasperation, "Get over it. Why can’t a woman be Christ!"

"Renee, for the same reason a woman can’t be George McGovern."

A young woman was helping an older woman cross Broadway with her seeing-eye dog. As I passed I turned to her and said: "Don’t you realize you’re giving the poor dog a complex?"

I pick on people my own age. A couple couldn’t decide whether to chance it across Broadway opposite Lincoln Center where the street is wide and divided.

"Follow me and don’t worry. Those taxi drivers won’t dare hit us. Do you think they want to lose a whole evening’s wages waiting for the police and then having to fill out a mountain of forms from hordes of insurance companies?"

No agency keeps records comparing how many doctors kill patients with how many patients kill doctors. On the other hand, we have very accurate records on how many lawyers and judges kill clients with how many clients kill lawyers and judges. In the first instance, except for capital punishment, the number is zero while thousands of lawyers and judges are killed or injured by enraged clients. We are not being judgmental because we don’t have all the facts. While killing in general is to be avoided if at all possible, but where it is not, who can say but the suffering client?

Does this elevator go sideways? My surgery is scheduled this morning and I’m not quite sure I’m in the mood to get chopped up today. Maybe when I’m a little bit older, say 95.

At a lounge I was charged $9 for a ginger ale. I think the waitress made a mistake. I asked for a ginger ale and I think I bought a ginger plantation in Jamaica. You know in Queens. I’ll wait until the place closes for the deed.